A Broken Piece.

There are some things in life where you get one chance at it.. and if you don't grab it, it's gone forever...
I think, I've encountered so many of that in my life, I wonder, if I grabbed it, what would my life be like now?

I really made a hell lot of mistakes in life, mistakes that I'm paying for dearly now.

I wish I never did certain things I did, but I can't really be sure I would be better off elsewise....



That nagging feeling in you that your potential is utterly wasted?
The sad feeling inside you that nobody will ever really understand...
Even if you have a flaming passion for it, nobody will really understand...

I'm not contented to be "men" (in army terms, anything that isn't a specialist or an officer)... but because of fear of losing something that was temporary dear to me, I gave up that only chance...

Till now, I really believe I could have been an officer.

People always ask.. "What's the big deal about being an officer?", "It's only just one bar on the shoulder!"
No.
Its the experience that I will never be able to face...
It's the untapped zeal that I'll never be able to prove...
It's the fact that I really hate losing.

I hate losing.

I hate losing to the point of insanity.

I lost this battle called National Service. All because I did something without thinking.

BECAUSE I FOLLOWED MY HEART INSTEAD OF MY HEAD.

Illogical reasoning.

Spastic incoherent emotions.

I should strip myself of all these irrelevant feelings...

I really hate myself for being such a weak person...


i really, really, really, really wanna be an officer...

but that chance has flown away, like so many other chances that were given to me.

....

sometimes.... just sometimes... I'll dream that I went through hell, fire, wind and waves to get the epaulet, when people do understand.
when they see, they'll know...

then I'll wake up... and I'll just hate myself for missing that chance I'll never get again..







... *cries*